What a guy. So dangerous, but so clueless. Boundless power, but a gaping chasm where empathy and tact should be. It’s scary really, but let’s fight back in the only way the 21st century knows how: memes.
Confusingly, I’ll start this off with number one, but it’s the least weird of the bunch. By 15, the Trumpisms will be off the charts, and your task is to add to the list and top it.
Attention and news are Trump’s superpower as well as his cryptonite, as they broadcast his message to his millions of supporters, but also record every hypocrisy, discrepancy, thinly veiled threat, brag, slur, and flat-out lie that drawls from his mouth towards the waiting mics and lenses. But enough of that. This is gonna be GREAT. THE BEST. China.
1. “We won with poorly educated. I love the poorly educated.” – Trump on his voter-base.
This one is just a warm-up really. A palette cleanser, an entrée for the feast you’re about to enjoy. Here we have Trump at his most honest, and most outrageous, revelling in the fact that he misled and misleads poorly educated people, manipulating his way into power. It would be funnier if it didn’t seem to work so well.
2. “You can do anything. Grab them by the pu55y. You can do anything.” – Trump’s 2005 Access Hollywood interview with Billy Bush.
“Nobody respects women more than me.” – The Third Presidential Debate, October the 19th, 2016.
It’s awful, and by now it’s a Trump classic, embedded deeply in our collective global memory like the Tweets embedded in this piece. Also, here we have the first superlative statement of many, i.e. Trump is the best at this, Trump does this the most, nobody does it like Trump. Also the first of many cases of Trump proving Trump wrong. It must be scary being a woman sometimes. Anyway, the rollercoaster rattles on.
3. “What a location. I’m in the real estate business, and what a location.” – Trump on North Korea, February 3rd 2019.
I mean this is just objectively hilarious. And terrifying. Hilarifying? Remember Trump’s interactions with Kim Jong Un? They were like poorly written satire, or some sort of nuclear powered puppet show, played out across the Twittersphere. What a time to be alive. Number 3 is technically a collage of Trump-Kim relationship highlights, but with this much wildness, if we don’t condense some of it, we’ll be here all day.
4. “There’s nothing you can do [about Hillary] folks. Although, the Second Amendment people- maybe there is…” – Trump delivering a professional chat about gun policy, August 9th, 2016.
For someone who claimed he never endorsed violence at his campaign rallies, he endorsed quite a lot of violence at his rallies. Allegedly. Here we have Trump possibly maybe definitely alluding to assassinating his 2016 presidential opponent, in order to protect American gun rights. You can’t help but think that some of the blood which has since been mass-shot from American bodies is on his (normal-sized) hands.
5. [My building] 40 Wall Street was actually the second tallest building in downtown Manhatten…and now, it’s the tallest.” – Trump on 9/11. Literally, he said this live on air on the 11th of September, 2001.
Yepppppp. It’s a tough watch, but if you try hard enough, you can see the funny side. Trump wins a tower-measuring contest against the rubble of 9/11. A true American hero. The further we get down the list, the harder it gets to tell whether he’s incredibly stupid, incredibly clever, somewhere in between, or, in a new and profound way, both. ‘Merica.
6. “Some of the most dishonest people in the media are the so-called fact checkers.”
What is fake? What is news? The two questions that Trump wants us to ask, and here we are, playing right into his (normal sized) hands. Is he deploying Orwell-esque scrutiny on the media-as-Ministry of Truth, who twist facts and subvert reality for nefarious purposes? Or, is he in a position of vast power, and calling out “fact-checkers” because he doesn’t want anyone to keep tabs on his bizarre and destructive behaviour? More of life’s persistent questions.
Here’s another “fact” from the “reputable” “media” outlet The Washington Post: As of January 20th 2020, Trump has made 16,341 false or misleading claims whilst in office. Food for thought.
7. “France is a great nation, it’s being run. A lot of things are happening.” – Trump on France, August 26th, 2019.
Fact check: True. I don’t know why this one is so funny, it just sort of is. Maybe it’s because it’s so bare, so devoid of meaning and yet full to the brim at the same time. It’s surprisingly unsurprising. Ah well, c’est la vie!
8. “I don’t watch the stock market. I watch jobs.” – Trump’s economic analysis, December 4th, 2019.
Yes, Donald J President of the United States Trump, doesn’t watch the stocks. Apparently, the only thing in Wall Street he’s watching is his tower there, to make sure it’s still taller than the 9/11 rubble. Unless some jobs happen past, in which case he’s watching those too.
9. “My fingers are long and beautiful, as, it has been well documented, are various other parts of my body.”
A beautiful quote about beautiful appendages, in an even more beautiful bit of embroidery, how lovely. This, of course, is a response to the “small hands” memes popularised by the likes of Marco Rubio and John Oliver. Does he actually have small hands? Maybe, but probably not. Is it funny to think he does, and is it funny that it gets under his skin? Yes, very yes.
Now we’re getting into the good stuff. That as yet untouched goldmine, the deleted Trump tweet. In and of itself, “covfefe” isn’t all that wild, but the weirdness it represents just spirals out of control. Everyone was talking about it. Despite the fact that it was probably just a spelling error of the word “coverage”, the gap between “coverage” and “covfefe” is somehow vast, and populated with tweets, headlines, and general uproar. Despite the negative Pres covfefe, it’s time for number 11.
11. “Global warming was created by and for the Chinese.”
The fact that he deleted “covfefe” and left this doozy in circulation is a damning indictment of the future survival of humanity on this planet. Reading stuff like this makes you wish for the 2020 election to arrive, but here 2020 is, and it’s also quite upsetting. lol.
12. “If Ivanka weren’t my daughter, perhaps I’d be dating her.”
Just a light bit of incest banter before this list gets into its teens. Jeez, forget Oedipus, psychologists don’t even have a myth for this one. The wildness has no bounds. Poor Ivanka. Well, rich Ivanka. Would you step in her shoes for all those millions and millions?
13. “We have the worst laws. We have the weakest laws in the history of any country.” – Trump on the laws of the country over which he, himself, presides, September 9th, 2019.
The video here builds up to it, and even, though you’re expecting it, it’s still funny. Funny and surreal, like the rest of the list really. There’ so many layers to it. Firstly, the irony of Trump complaining about a system which facilitated his rise to power, and over which he has quite a large amount of control. There’s also the meta element of the fact that he’s criticising America’s laws with the extreme hyperbole of America’s most sworn enemies. Lots to think about.
14. “I’m leading everybody, we’re doing great. There’s no reason to panic.” – Trump on the coronavirus pandemic, at a coronavirus pandemic press conference, about a week before declaring that many will die.
At second to last, its that viral content emerging from Trump’s treatment of the coronavirus pandemic. Put simply, he’s lucky that he doesn’t look at the stockmarket. In times like these, all you can do is laugh. Laugh and self-isolate. Laugh, self-isolate, and look at memes. Trump’s coronavirus conference was only funny because the illness can’t pass through video, the way that surrealism and biting self-satire can. Sidenote: hopefully the creator of the Trump-corona art is also using their 3D technology to print personal protective equipment as well as nightmare fuel.
15. “I am a very stable genius.” – Trump, very stable genius.
And that’s that. Can you think of anything weirder, wilder, or more obscene that Trump has been caught saying? Or has he said something else since this went live? Do let us know. Stay stable, geniuses.